Ballads and Blueprints

Sometimes it feels like my life is falling in pieces around me. I try and catch them, to tape them back together in a desperate attempt to stay whole but I only end up more broken then before.

‎”I’m a fool” cried the Brain,
“No,” smiled the heart, “You’re in love”

Worthless: 1. without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing: a worthless person;

Useless: 1. of no use; not serving the purpose or any purpose; unavailing
2. without useful qualities; of no practical good: a useless person;  

Nothing: 1. no thing; not anything; naught.
7. a person of little or no importance; a nobody.

One day
Someday,
I’ll tell you the truth
That I hate coming here
And knowing I’ll see you
That at night when I think
You might still be awake
I sit in my car
And I wait and I wait
Till the lights turn out
I think you’ve gone to bed
So I venture downstairs
To find him there instead
Looking around
With a scowl on his face
Like everything he sees
Especially me
Is an awful disgrace
But he walks right by
Without looking me in the eye
How do I get out of this place?
Just a ghost in a shell
And sometimes it’s hell
Feeling like you shouldn’t exist
And people forget
So you take a deep breath
I want to smile
But sometimes, just occasionally
It’s gets lost
Drowning in the things
I’m never able to say
So I lock my self up
Because its so much easier
Then failing to pretend I’m okay
A broken record
I see all my mistakes
Over and over and over again
And when I’m in the dark
Falling apart, I realise
That being invisible means
No one will notice
If you fade away

For years I wore a mask, always pretending, finding the personality that people liked best. The only problem is now I’ve forgotten who I’m supposed to be

Here, once more, again
feeling bitter hearts,
Resentment
If only I could make you see
Everything you mean to me
And I know that things have changed
I’ve grown up,
You’ve stayed the same
Days go by,
Minutes pass
But I still feel ashamed
Gears are turning,
Yet things just don’t click
The respect we had
Is no longer existent
I watch you flirt
With no fumble or fall
I smile, turn away,
But inside I was never okay.
It’s not about you,
So don’t even think,
I’m not jealous,
Just angry,
At everything
And the worst part is
You’ll never see
Because honestly,
I’m no longer sure what it is you mean to me
If you find the answer,
Let me know,
But I will always remember
To never let myself hope

I’d rather have my heart broken a thousand times, then be the one who breaks a thousand hearts

Your hand traces and I quiver
under your touch, I wonder if can you feel my heart racing
in the way that I can feel the residual heat around us,
Of your body and of mine, intertwined to be permanently locked in love
Strumming out music, using an equation of grammar x love
Your fingers are similes
Slowly, surely I start to trust
Your breath is a metaphor, he’s constantly traveling, acting as
a searchlight on my skin
Personification of a single feature
But the clues you’re looking for
Are found within

I’m sorry for thinking
For being this way
I’m sorry for all the things I never say
I’m sorry for closing doors
And shutting off smiles
I’m sorry I existed
..At least for a while…,
And I wish I could find
The right words to say
But I’m beginning to realise
It wouldn’t matter anyway
One day soon,
I promise I’ll stop
Maybe forever
If only it would be enough
You never should have carried
The burden of me each day
A weighty package
That slowly stripped you away
I know things will be hard
And it may seem tough
But you’ll start to smile again, soon enough,
I will never have the exact words to say
To describe the thoughts that I’m thinking
Or how I feel inside…
But in you, I should no longer confide
It’s time I tell you
Enough is enough
You shouldn’t have to bear me anymore
But goodbye has never hurt so much
“If only…”, won’t help
So don’t fret for long
I wish for everyone to smile
Instead of being sad that I’m gone…