Ballads and Blueprints

"Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you..."

Sat, 18 May 2013 08:47:32 -0400

“Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.””

- Marc Hack (via floralnymph)
Pretty words but they’re hard to live by

All those times he called me beautiful I believed him. I knew that I could never see it myself but I...

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 10:42:22 -0400

All those times he called me beautiful I believed him. I knew that I could never see it myself but I truly believed that that was exactly what he saw.

My Apology

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 06:14:00 -0500

My apology

I’m sorry that I text too much, and talk to loud. I’m sorry that I don’t always smile and insist on hugs and pinkie promises. I’m sorry for not understanding that others don’t hold those things to the same value as me. Apologies for being goofy and strange, never knowing what to say to you, or how to be myself.
For, stuttering and burbling, being flustered and not blaming myself when I probably should.

But most of all I’m sorry for not thinking of you, and how you feel and never realising that everyone is not the same.

I’ve noticed for a while now that when you like someone, and I mean really like them; you get...

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 09:54:35 -0500

I’ve noticed for a while now that when you like someone, and I mean really like them; you get this look in your eyes like their the best thing that ever happened to you and you want them around forever.

…more then once I wished you look at me that way… But i’ll try and be happy even though my heart is breaking and aching…

What You Don't Know

Sat, 19 Jan 2013 08:42:37 -0500

Here are some things you may not know about me
I have depression
I take medication which often makes me dizzy, nauseas, and sleepy
I find it difficult to like any aspect of myself
I have very low self esteem
I constantly crave communication and positive feedback
But I also have many days where I will be alone
I shut all my curtains and sit alone, in the dark watching tv re-runs and checking facebook every 10 seconds
I hate my stepdad
Which is fine because my step dad hates me
I don’t know what my mother sees in him
It bothers me that she wastes all her money on things she never looks at again and then says we’re poor
Now I know where I get it from
I see my father struggling everyday and never complaining
When he’s not drinking he is an irritating pleasure who does anything for his girls and wayward son
When he drinks he becomes loud and angry with the world
He slams fists on benches and throws things against walls
But I know he would never hurt us
He cares too much
And I have pieces of him in my soul
My older sister while lovely can be frustrating close minded, immature, sadistic, and more blunt then a rubber
She gives her opinions loudly and without care for the recipients reaction
My brother is charismatic and narcissistic
He is the only person I know to like my step dad but I think he lies
My step dad always talks bad about my family, even the people he has never met
My step dad always talks bad about me, both in front of me, behind my back and with not so subtle disapproving nudges to my mother
I never ever get anything right
I sometimes have sucicidal thoughts
My scars are self inflicted
I do not always regret this
I do not think I am good enough
Worthless, useless, and fragile are all words that define me
I have been heartbroken more times then I can count
I want to be accepted by everyone
And I love hugs

Eyes

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 04:20:08 -0500

I wish you could see you
The way I do
Tall and towering high
Your cigarettes can smell
Intoxicating
Like burnt caramel
And sticky summer nights
You keep all these secrets
But that’s okay, I don’t mind
I love the way you smile
And laugh
Soft as if you don’t want anyone to see
You say it’s fake but sometimes I wonder
Have you ever smiled real for me?
You never lie
And care even when you don’t
You let me annoy you
And tell me all those things
That are good about myself
And when you say it
I believe that you can really see them
Even if I don’t
So let me show you what I see
The biggest heart of all
And sometimes you can misunderstand
But I love everything about you
Even the stuff others don’t
You never claim to be perfect
And you’re not
But I think,
I wish I could know you
And everything you
Forever
You make a big difference to me

“You’ve changed…” he said “Or maybe I just found who I really...

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 07:34:37 -0500

“You’ve changed…” he said
“Or maybe I just found who I really am” I replied

From The Beginning

Fri, 28 Dec 2012 06:46:22 -0500

From the beginning I was always told that things get easier in time, those heartbreaking moments where you loose someone very special, a breakup. It was supposed to be harder at first and get easier the longer it goes on. I haven’t found thAt at all. It was easy to begin with, I was still sad but it felt manageable. Felt like the right decision, I was strong and I thought I can get through this. But now, months down the line I find myself crying even more, wondering if I made a mistake, but I can’t go back anymore. It’s just not the same. I feel okay with being alone, I don’t have this desperate desire to be back in someone’s arms but when you’re as emotionally unstable as me it does help to have a constant, something in changing and someone you can be anyone around. I can’t go through that again though, it takes too long to stop worrying about everything. Especially when you don’t stop thinking. We’re doing the whole “let’s be friends thing” and it’s fucking hard because all that’s left of us is that awkward silence of what used to be, what we used to have. Sloppy kisses, heartbeats, warm skin, paused time. Can’t have that anymore, not with him but I’m not convinced that I’m ready to share it with anyone else or how long it will be before I am. Don’t misunderstand, I’m happy to flirt, meet new people, go on dates and dress up but I’m just not ready for something permeant not when all I can think about is what I lost, not when I can’t tell if it was right. It’s hard to rediscover yourself away from someone when you weren’t sure there was anything worth seeing.

It’s 1am But I can’t sleep Because you’re the only thought Racing and racing and...

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 09:17:49 -0500

It’s 1am
But I can’t sleep
Because you’re the only thought
Racing and racing and racing
Around me

A Letter

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 00:09:39 -0500

Dear phone

You mean everything to me. I love that we can share music and games, that you take me shopping, and don’t mind me chatting with friends all the time. I love the way you check my spelling, it’s hot to know your smarter then me, and how with you I’m never bored. I know we don’t always see I to I, sometimes you need time to yourself, to calm down and recharge and I get frustrated and upset because I need you for whatever reason. My heart belongs to you now, so just remember- when you break down you break my heart

Self Perception

Fri, 16 Nov 2012 01:01:19 -0500

I hate it when people tell me I just need to change my perception of myself. Like it’s that easy. I think they expect I can just wake up one day and decide to think differently. It’s not that simple, it never will be

Read Me

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 08:38:46 -0500

I actually wrote this for a boy a really like. I wanted him to be able to understand me better and the way I think and feel… I don’t think I’ll ever show him though. It’s far to long now and he would probably get bored..
————————
Read Me

I want you to know me, the real me and the everything me. Not the person I’ve been so desperate for you to fall in love with.

I love animals. I worry about the rabbits on my street when it rains, I feel guilty for killing the spiders that co-exist with me in my shower, I avoid stepping on ants if I’m paying enough attention, and I will always pull over for a dog who might have gotten out the house, even if it’s just to check its okay.

I love cartoons, and anime. I love dressing up in costumes, and making props. I love sleep, and I love dreaming. I love to text and be around people, and my heart swells when I actually get replies. I want friends, and close friends, and I want to get along with everyone. I play the peacekeeper, and I always have. I laugh and joke, and make stupid faces, and there’s a lot that I have to learn about life and love but I’m intelligent enough to look at most situations objectively. I am mature, but in my own kind of way that not everyone can understand.

I love to smile and I hate to cry. I hate myself and my body and I hate always thinking. I’m usually negative and pessasmistic but realistic too. I need more life experience and I need to see the world. I love to read when I’m in the mood and bake and make tea- even though I’m terrible and it usually fails. I love to swim.

I care about other people but I am almost always selfish, and overbearing and annoying and hypocritical. I write novels instead of notes, and silly poems instead of love songs, and I sing. I sing when I’m happy, and sing when I’m sad. When no-one can see I dance around the kitchen and pyjamas and my room in my undergarments. I love hair ribbons and pins, and the colours green and yellow. I love attempting the theme my room, and buying manchester. I rarely ever complete a task and I can fret for days over the tiniest things and then let them swell
And explode until all I can do is cry.

Usually I give my heart and soul to those I want reluctantly, but to you, they were shoved in your face before you even asked for them, or thought about their existence. I gave you something you didn’t want and didn’t need so of course you don’t know how to treat it. How can you appreciate something you didn’t ask for, didn’t want?

I’m a poet, through and through, and I’m lazy. I love the rain and thunder and acting a little childish. I love love stories but only the good ones and I’m not that great at taking new risks and leaving my comfort zone. I am reckless and stubborn and confusing and infuriating. I am too many words to fit on one page.

I like what I like because I like it but am easily discouraged and one wrong thing, a word, an action, can ruin a whole day or a whole week. I’m close to my family who are on occasion, ridiculous, unbearable and loving.

I listen to music because of the lyrics and the words and the things I connect to. If it doesn’t speak to me, I’m not interested. I prefer cuddling on a couch, to making love and have a lot to learn in many areas of the subject.

I am still trying to re-discover myself, to find a way out of or over the depression, and to learn to live without being too afraid of the mistakes I make, or too embarrassed of doing things wrong.

I am who I am, and who I will be. I will always text, I will always want to talk, and I will always want to know I’m loved, and be loved to the full capacity. I want to start a relationship as friends so that if it dwindles, I never truly loose you, just whatever we had.

I love being told good morning, and I love being told good night.

So now the rest is up to you, this is who I am. Can you accept that? Do I get to discover you?

I’m sorry you always seem to see me at my worst. I want you to know and see that you can bring out the best in me as well.

There’s so much that I want to say to you but instead I stare at my phone blankly hoping you’ll talk first but if there is anything I know about you it’s that you won’t, you don’t, and you never will.

Andrew. Try to imagine this: you’ve liked this guy for ages and you’ve had a lot of intimate times together, he admits he could have feelings for you and thinks about you… But you can’t talk to him unless he’s drinking, you can’t text him for fear of annoying him, you want him to think about you but you’re afraid you’ll push him away

Untitled

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 00:35:21 -0400

And I saw it coming
But I think so did you,
Could this be the very end
Of me plus you
But I find the years falling
Like water over a smile
The seams are dissolving
I’ll be alone for a while
And sometimes
I want to resurrect us
But it took so long to find my feet
I wonder where this courages adventure
Will take the paths of you and me
Cause at the moment I’m slipping
Now you’re not there to break my fall
And it seems fair in its fitting
For me to stay broken
At the end of it all

The metaphor of feelings

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 00:33:55 -0400

Feelings aren’t a switch we can just flick on and off whenever we like, they are more like a chained anchor wrapped around your heart. Eventually the metal corodes and falls away but they leave a mark from where they held so tightly, making sure you never truly forget

Bigger Then The Both of Us

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 00:32:38 -0400

It wasn’t just about me or you
It was so much more then just us two
The way we thought,
The way we clicked
As if we were only there
But we didn’t exist
Not together
But not quite apart,
I feel that I deserve
This broken heart
I just can’t get you off my mind
But when I look back
I don’t see all the good times
I see the heartache and the pain
I see not knowing
And going insane
I see how you struggled
And how you always tried
And how I just laughed
And how I lied
I remember the tears
and tantrums too
And I remember breaking you
I ate at your spirit
Like a weight on your back
Everywhere you looked
Ready to attack
I criticised, I jeered
I Told you everything I feared
But I didn’t listen
Or let you explain
I just tore you apart
Again and again
But you stood by, and you stayed strong
And always wondered what you did wrong
You tried to fix me
When I was worn and maimed
But I still left you
And now I want to go at it again
“I’ve changed” I said
“Take me back!” I cried
And you feel like you might be buried alive
Buried under my pain and hurt
My desire for attention
While you just try to make things work
Because you look back
And you don’t see happy times
You see feeling miserable
Frustrated, caged and not alive
You remember living to live
And get through the days
Not being excited
Or ever getting your way
You remember me
Because that’s all there was
And so this is my apology
Because I finally understand
But it isn’t enough

Reading Between The Lines

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 00:31:39 -0400

Reading Between The Lines

I feel like its all too hard
And I can’t be understood
Though chaos surrounds us now
We had thought those years good
What foolish lovers we made
Thinking it would last forever
When really all we had
Was a whole lot of never

And I don’t see happy ever after
With you
And I wish this was easy
That I had a clue from the beginning
So I could see
This wouldn’t work with you
But the years have scared my memories
Of watching myself break
Who knew a decision like this
Would have been so hard to make

Of course it was my fault
But some of it yours
It seems a shame to think
That after so long
Loving each other became a chore
You were loosing yourself
Under my weight
And I was loosing myself
With every little mistake

But I wouldn’t change a thing
Even if I could
I am who I am today
All because of you
Brought me out of my shell
Helped me to shine
All I can hope for now
Is that our paths will always intertwine

But I don’t see happy ever after
With you
And I wish this was easy
That I had a clue from the beginning
So I could see
This wouldn’t work with you
But the years have scared my memories
Of watching myself break
Who knew a decision like this
Would have been so hard to make

And there’s all this gap
Between us now
Filling so awkwardly
With the words we
Just can’t say anymore
And the empty of
What used to be
And I picked myself up
Brushed off the dust
But you left stains on my soul
I never want to forget you
But I have to let you go

Words had exsisted between us
But niether one could see
Constantly reading around it
Meaning it could never be
So now I’m leaving messages
In that gap between the lines
Hoping someone else will read them
And find a song to fit with mine
Ready to move on
But it’s too hard to believe
That someone else out there
Could ever like this thing called me
But I’ve just got to keep on smiling
Even when it hurts
This is always a cliche
But it’s the only thing that works

Because I can’t see happy ever after
With you
And I wish this was easy
That I had a clue from the beginning
Cause now I can see how
This wouldn’t work with you
But the years have scared my memories
Of watching myself break
I know I can mend these broken peices
If you’ll lend me super glue and tape

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go,..."

Fri, 17 Aug 2012 16:52:15 -0400

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

- Marilyn Monroe (via kuraama)

I really relate to this

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 00:14:12 -0400

I really relate to this

An old anniversary present for an old love

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 09:09:10 -0400

An old anniversary present for an old love

Sometimes it feels like my life is falling in pieces around me. I try and catch them, to tape them...

Thu, 31 May 2012 10:23:53 -0400

Sometimes it feels like my life is falling in pieces around me. I try and catch them, to tape them back together in a desperate attempt to stay whole but I only end up more broken then before.